a year ago

It's crazy. A year ago I was in the hospital after taking some 300 pills in an all out attempt to take my own life. I still wish I weren't alive, but God's grace has brought me to a place where I will no longer make any attempts to take my life/death into my own hands. It is for Him to decide how long I will walk upon this earth and what the purpose and affect of my life will be. It has been a long, extremely difficult road to arrive at such a place. I have fought the enemy's attacks and temptations day after day. The war for my soul continues, but now I claim the victory which Christ offers. Daily I bring my life before him again and again, surrendering to His will and love, and begging for the grace to walk in His ways and be transformed by His love for me one more day. "He alone is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73). How merciful the Lord has been to me the past year- from miraculously saving my life on December 3rd, 2008, to revealing His passionate love for me, to welcoming me at the cross after a lifetime of avoiding that very place, to teaching me and forming me by His Word, to giving me the strength to both fight and rest each and every day. "Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you" (Psalm 113). Hallelujah. My life will be a testimony to the grace and faithfulness of God. He truly has been good to me, even if it appears otherwise because of what He has ordained that I go through in my life. Through the fire, He has purified me and drawn me into deeper relationship with Himself. As miserable as the last couple of years have been, I wouldn't trade them for anything if it meant I had to also trade the transformation and growth that has taken place in my heart.