Knowing God

The other night I was having a hard time falling asleep so I was praying. I used to pray all the time. In college, if there was on "spiritual discipline" that I was devoted to, it was prayer. Lately, though, I rarely pray. Part of it is that I constantly over-think things... I'm always trying to figure out how exactly I should pray, using it as an excuse not to pray. I want to pray "right", I want the right balance between listening and speaking. I want to believe that God answers prayer if I'm going to pray for specific things. I want to have everything figured out before I do it.

But the other night, I just talked to God. I didn't worry about my form or even my faith, I just kinda laid my heart out there. And the number one thing I realized that night, and thus prayed about, was knowing God.

I know a lot about God. I love studying theology, church history, the Bible, etc. I love learning and striving towards Truth. But that doesn't equate to knowing God. And I know this, I always have. But I don't think it ever really sunk in until that night. I don't know God. I don't know how to just be with Him and enjoy relationship with Him. I love to learn about Him and I love to worship Him for who I know Him to be. I love to talk about Him. But somehow I have completely missed the whole part about actually knowing Him, through intimate relationship with Him. And ever since I realized that, I long so deeply to experience it.

But I don't know how. I don't know how to translate my Christian life into a relationship with God. I have always struggled to encounter God in Scripture, rather than just take in more information. I have always struggled to seek God in prayer, rather than seek His provision and guidance in prayer. I sum up my life as a desire to abide in His steadfast love... yet I don't know that I even know how to abide.

I want to know Him. To love Him. To enjoy Him. To enjoy His love for me. And let that feed everything else I do...