The Illusion of Control

Health feeds an illusion that many of us live in, and that is the illusion of control.
When things are going well in my life, I seem to easily assume that I am doing a good job of managing my life.  If things are a bit rocky but I am still functioning and whatnot, I seem to easily assume that I am handling my life pretty well.  When things start getting rough, I often use the phrase, "I feel like I am losing my fucking mind..." which can be loosely translated to, "everything feels like it is spiraling out of control."

So as things begin to spiral, I know the drill well enough that I try to get before God even more as soon as I realize what is going on.  I acknowledge to Him how little strength I have, how completely void of wisdom I am, the fear and terror I tremble with, etc.  I start praying Psalm 143 vigorously.  I am operating under no illusion of control... I am absolutely aware of my desperate need for Someone bigger than my life and everything that surrounds me and is in any way a part of my life...

The foundation of AA is that we recognize and embrace this reality, which is spelled out in the first 3 steps of the 12 Step Program:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Scripture- especially Paul's writings- emphasizes the same, like in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5:

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.

The reality of mental illness and alcoholism in my life make me unquestionably aware that what Paul describes in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 is impossible to do in my own strength.  I try my hardest every day of my life to take my thoughts captive, and I promise you that no amount of effort or strategy can empower me to do it on my own.  Maybe for a little while, maybe some of the thoughts... but eventually I am powerless.  The biggest example of this in my life is suicidal ideation.  On a daily basis I fight to not let myself develop a "foolproof" suicidal plan (if you know my story, you know that God trumps even "foolproof" suicidal plans if He so pleases).  I know that as soon as I even entertain the idea of planning, I will have lost all control and #4 will be imminent.  Even when I am able to fight against suicidal ideation, it leaves me too weak and weary to fight against other stuff- like self-injury impulses, isolating behaviors, etc.  And I really don't have it in me to fight FOR positive stuff, like reading, writing, etc.

I may be able to go a little bit doing life under my control, and you can probably go quite a bit longer.  But we are fooling ourselves if we think we can do this long-term.  We are spiritual beings, which means that there is warfare happening for our souls and minds every day.  Though our salvation is secure, Satan will not relent.  And Satan will trump human every day of the week.  But Christ already trumped Satan every day of the week, and He (our oneness with Him) is our only hope against the schemes and attacks of Satan.

I am in a season where there is little illusion of control over my life.  I wish I could say this is an intentional thing- and I guess it is to some extent- but largely it is because my circumstances (and my seeming inability to affect them) are making it glaringly obvious. My prayer is that God will help me to embrace that and embrace Him who has complete control.  My prayer for you is that you wouldn't have to endure the circumstances I have had to in order to realize that you don't have control, but that you would rely on Him and His control more and more every day- health or illness, crisis or no crisis.


Today I just thought of something really ironic, too... I usually have/exercise the least amount of "control" when things are "going well" in my life; and the more "control" I exert, the worse things tend to get!  Which is usually the exact opposite of my immediate perception of the situation (as described above)...


Random note- I really wish I knew how to end thoughts/posts...