the love of grandparents

About a month ago I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine.  A fair amount of the conversation was talking about family... the potential for pain as well as the potential for the establishment of an identity rooted in knowing that we are loved.  She was sharing the sadness of the fact that her children lack much of an extended family, due to the brokenness and loss in her and her husband's families of origin.  I was struck by her insight into the uniqueness of the love that grandparents and aunts and uncles offer, as I had never really thought about it like this.  I initially thought about my love for my nephieces (my nephews and niece), and how I love them in a way that no one else does, and it is definitely different from the profound love my brother and sister-in-law pour out on them, by nature of the relationship.  Then I thought about how blessed I have been with the grandparents and aunts and uncles I was given, something I began to realize for the first time when my Grandpa died 7 years ago yesterday.  

Most of my life I was anything but thankful for my family, and even those that I was thankful for just got lumped in with the "family" label, so I wanted away from everyone.  And then those days surrounding my Grandpa's death I suddenly started to see how deeply blessed I am.  I have aunts and uncles who have loved me and supported me and encouraged me throughout my entire life, and they have reminded me of their love through notes/letters/cards, presence at basketball games and graduation and other events, hugs, interest in my life and support of my endeavors, presents, hospital visits, pictures on their walls, etc.  Whether geographic distance allowed for physical presence or not, I have always known that they love me and are there for me.  That is an INCREDIBLE blessing.  And then there are my grandparents...

Grandma and Grandpa S lavished their love on my brothers and I, as we were their only grandchildren.  Our pictures filled their home, our latest accomplishments filled their conversations with others, our lives were the content of their daily prayers, and our presence always clearly brought them great joy.  I am thankful for the closeness I was able to experience with them at the end of their lives, especially the 6 months my Grandma continued to live after my Grandpa had passed away.  There are still times when I think of how proud they would be of the way I live my life, and that is huge because I rarely think anyone is proud of me.  Never for a second have I or will I wonder how deeply they loved me, and I can think of few greater gifts.

Grandpa O died when I was only 3, so I don't really have memories of him.  Every picture I have ever seen of us together he has a ginormous smile, so I've always taken that as a symbol of his deep love for me.  Grandma O was always there for me, and I got to spend a fair amount of time just her and I as I was growing up.  I have an abundance of sweet memories with her- playing cards, playing outside, learning about her life and hearing about my Grandpa, talking about life in general, etc.  She, too, always had pictures of her grandkids up, and loved to talk about us.  Just 6 days ago I said goodbye to my Grandma for the last time.  In the final days by her bedside, and in the days that have followed, I have soaked in the confidence of my Grandma's deep love for me.

So now, I am without any grandparents, and the biggest void I feel is honestly that unconditional, proud love that I'm realizing is unique and something grandparents can offer in a way that no one else can.  And I pray that they knew the deep love I had for each of them, though I spoke of it little until the end of their lives.  The tears are pretty regular right now, because I miss my grandparents a lot, but even more because I'm just really, really, really thankful for the grandparents I had.

I wrote this in my journal after talking to my Grandpa for the last time 7 years ago and ended the eulogy I gave at his funeral with these words...

My tears are because I am utterly overwhelmed at my heritage when I think of him.  Without a doubt grandpa had his flaws, as we all do.  But the things that stand out in my mind when I think of him— this huge smile that was too big for his face and the awesome sense of humor and love of laughter that went with that smile; 60 some years of faithful marriage to grandma; 80 some years of faithfulness to the Lord… Every day, EVERY STINKIN’ DAY they read together from “Our Daily Bread” and the Word and prayed.  Every day.  I often struggle to do that stuff every week.  And they did it every day for decades.  That is absolutely incomprehensible to me. 

My tears aren’t primarily tears of sadness.  They are tears of some of the deepest thankfulness I have ever felt.

All of my grandparents had their flaws, of course.  And yet they loved me the best they could, and if you ask me, all 4 of them did a pretty damn good job.  So the tears continue even now, because of the increased awareness I have of just how profoundly blessed I am.  I am a deeply grateful granddaughter, and even though my grandparents are now all gone, their impact on my life only seems to deepen.