During my stay in F'nAI #7 (the psych ward), I had an epiphany that was pretty life changing- I realized that I am an alcoholic. Some who knew my drinking habits well were far from shocked, and actually more relieved that I finally saw what they had seen for a long time. (Apparently I didn't go to the AA meetings with them "to support them," but they had hoped that once there I would realize that I was just as powerless over alcohol as the rest of the folks at the meetings... I definitely did not catch on to that.) Most people were in full agreement that my drinking was "a problem," but were hesitant to go so far as "alcoholic." I fit in that camp for years. But I was learning that it isn't "normal" to have certain people that you drink at certain places with on certain days, so that you can get drunk every day but no one (friends, bars, etc.) is actually aware that you are drinking more than when you are with them. And apparently blackouts aren't just a regular occurrence for everyone that drinks. Thinking about alcohol anytime you can't have it is also, apparently, not the experience of most. The list goes on. If it were just a problem, it would be something I could simply fix. The key difference is in the words of the 1st step, though:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.I tried to quit drinking a few times. I even went a few months one time. But I had no power, even though I wasn't drinking. I still thought about it constantly, and eventually it lured me back with little effort. At the time I wasn't thinking that I was powerless over alcohol, I just thought that life seemed a little less shitty when I had alcohol to help me deal. Alcohol even helped me make friends, laugh, be social, and escape the misery within me. Why avoid something so helpful?
But that January the lights came on and I realized what I have heard often in AA- the faithful friend and companion had become an enemy trying to steal my life, but I was trapped, I was addicted. So I went to the AA meetings offered at the hospital, and began finding meetings when I got out. It was a pretty overwhelming experience. I knew extremely little about AA, and really didn't even get if/how I could be an alcoholic, and it was daunting finding out when meetings were and then trying to find the places. And beyond all of that, it was terrifying sitting in the parking lot trying to decide whether or not I was going to go in. When I would suck it up and walk in the building my social anxiety would skyrocket as I entered into a group of people who knew each other, and knew what the hell was going on at these meetings... and the people were so damn nice that part of me just wanted to punch them- they HAD to be faking it.
Well, 2 weeks after getting out of the hospital I moved back to MN, and started the search for meetings to go to around here. Among the first I found was a Tuesday morning meeting. Let me tell you all the things that were stacked against this meeting (in my mind at the time):
- it was in the morning- I don't do mornings
- it was at a senior center- seriously?
- I get inside and everyone in there is old- they have decades- literally, decades- on me (I was 26)
- they are also excessively nice- no one is that nice
- everyone shares- I don't have anything to say
- many of them claim that the time they have been sober has been the best time of their life- that's straight up lying, you can't have fun without alcohol
- they talk a lot about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous- I'm still pretty confused as to what they are talking about
- they hold hands and hug- I have a big bubble (and sweaty hands), please don't touch me
- there is a phone list- there is no way I'm giving anyone my phone number- DO NOT call me
- the meeting ends and it is still morning- I could have been sleeping that whole time
Clearly it was unlikely that I would be spending my Tuesday mornings at the senior center. I don't know what exactly surmounted all those odds, but I do remember that they clearly knew and/or had experienced something that was completely foreign to me but incredibly appealing, and for some strange reason they seemed to genuinely care that I came and wanted me to come back. So for the next year and a half- until I moved- I did go back, and those Tuesday morning meetings were the absolute highlight of my week. Before long I was going to a couple other meetings a week with a lot of those same folks, too. I never got over the mornings issue, but I came to love being the young'in (however you spell that) of the group and appreciate the wisdom of my elders, discovered that they are indeed that nice, it was okay for me to not share AND I eventually found that I did have things worth saying, they taught me all about AA, holding hands and saying the Lord's prayer together at the end of every meeting is to this day my favorite part, the hugs are pretty incredible, I didn't have to give anyone my phone number until I wanted to and it is only used to love me and support me and make sure I am okay, and all of that is worth waking up on Tuesday mornings for. I had found a place that accepted me straight up as the mess that I was, saw something under my rough shell, and then helped me find the strength and courage to break out and discover my wings a bit.
One of the chief players in all of this is the woman that soon became my first sponsor. More on that in the next installment...
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