Depression

Depression... How can I describe the depths of "despair beyond despair" (William Styron)? How can I depict the utter madness of a life devoid of hope and any sense of worth or purpose? How can I paint a picture with words of the desolation and isolation? I want to try... No sole bodily pain can compare to the far-reaching physical pain that is caused by the depths of depression. It's not like a joint ache or the sharp pains of a broken bone or displaced back. It is indescribable and unidentifiable. And the paralysis is debilitating. An inability to get out of bed or do anything requiring any bodily movement. But this is the least of the pain of depression... Beyond the physical pain is the mental and emotional agony. Unfounded thoughts of life being nothing less than sheer misery. Utter confusion due to modes of treatment such as medications or ECT (shock therapy). The absence of any memories of "normal" life, a life that is at least to some extent enjoyable. An unquenchable desire to harm one's self; a seemingly right and fair punishment for such a worthless life. "Seizures" of both the mind and body due to extreme anxiety. Inability to cope with even the slightest of life's disappointments. It truly is madness. And yet, beyond such madness is the isolation, both imagined and experienced. According to such disturbed reasoning, there is no love or acceptance available. Who would want to join their life with one so void of anything of value? And then such loneliness becomes realized. The depressed push others away, for their (the "normals") benefit, of course. And the friends of the depressed simply don't know how to handle, make sense of, or bear the tremendous weight of such melancholy. So they distance themselves. "Proof of being unlovable" cycles through the depressed mind. "Alone" doesn't even begin to describe the experience of isolation. And then what about God? Where is He? Does He see? Does He care? Will He ever save me from such torment? Is He really good? To feel abandoned by God makes the other pains seem like a little hangnail. Honestly, what solution remains but suicide? I mean, honestly, can't you see how logical a remedy suicide is to such a disturbed being? If such is the lot of life, who could endure?? But here's the truth... and it is nearly impossible to see in the depths of depression, but by the grace of God. The truth is that God IS good, and He works even this to the good of those who follow Him (Romans 8:28). He IS with us, even when He couldn't feel farther away. He IS merciful to us, even when we slander His name. The truth is that His steadfast love remains, even when we can't find it in ourselves to love Him. He is faithful when we are faithless. Though we are prone to wander, prone to leave the God we love, He will not leave us. "He has not left me though I've oft left Thee" (hymn Abide With Me). He will use our suffering for the glory of His name... And what else is the aim of our lives? Depression is not all consuming, though it seems to be when you are in the midst of it. No, God- His glorious love- is all consuming. And that's worth living for...