I often talk about how much I love Romans 4:18 when Paul says that there was literally no reason for Abraham to continue to believe God's promise to be true- there was even evidence against it- but Abraham hoped against hope. And how much sweeter that passage is in light of Romans 5:5, when we are reminded that this hope will not disappoint us. There's nothing harder to do than hope, and for me the rain reason is that I know that nothing leaves me more vulnerable to disappointment and pain than hope. And yet this hope is the only way I can find to continue to live each day.
Believe me, all of this has been put to the test. I didn't develop this love for "hope" and Romans 4-5 just from coasting through life. I grew to love it because nothing else offered reason to live. And yet, it's interesting how I'm still forced to own this hope against hope...
I don't have enough money to replace my windshield that will shatter any moment, pay my medical insurance premium, get my meds, pay rent, or pay to see my psychiatrist... which all need to happen in the next 2 weeks, and as soon as tomorrow...
I'm freaking out... I'm terrified, ashamed, confused, angry and broken...
And I'm being stalked by the gentle voice saying, "NOW is when you hope against hope." I can't think of a single reason to believe this could possibly all work out, and my first inclination is to give up even trying to figure it out. But how could I ever speak a word about hope again if I gave up now.
Pray for me- that once again I find that this hope in the character and promises of God will not put me to shame...
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