A couple weeks ago at our final night of BSF for the year, my small group leader from last year shared a powerful experience from the leaders' retreat, when God "did surgery" on her, revealing to her toxic sickness/sins that needed to be removed, and then aggressively and delicately cutting her open and removing these malignant entities. She talked about the overwhelming grief and fear at learning the diagnosis, the pain of the surgery, and the hope that is carrying her through the long and difficult healing and growth post-op. I was convicted of her honesty with us (there are a few hundred women in our class) and her honesty and willingness with God.
I've often talked about how one of my favorite things about Alcoholics Anonymous is that pretense isn't much of an option. We are there because we realized- or maybe initially someone else realized for us- that the first of the 12 Steps was true and thus "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." We are there because we are messed up and have messed up, and need help. Through this process, we discover that "a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," and eventually we "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God." There is no hiding this issue in our lives when we are a part of AA.
However, I have found that for me personally, when God reveals particular sins in my life and I really focus on those- repenting, understanding, sanctification, etc.- I can "forget" that there is more that needs to be "worked on" (for lack of a better term). So when my friend shared her experience a couple weeks ago, I was deeply convicted about becoming complacent about other areas of my life that need "work." [I really wish I could think of a better term for what I am trying to convey.] Though my sins that I have been focussing on are incredibly deep-seated and are taking much time and attention, I must keep being pruned in all areas of my life. Sins like pride will be a continual struggle throughout my entire life, but I cannot use that as an excuse to not address other sins for the rest of my life.
So I began to pray that God would bring me to a place where I would be able to sincerely and humbly ask Him to reveal areas of sin in my life that I have been unaware of and/or neglecting, that I might be able to surrender them to Him and the journey of healing and transformation in those areas as well. Last night I was able to pray for this revelation, and where better to guide such a prayer than Psalm 139...
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
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