The last few days God has continuously asked me this simple question- "Do you trust the gifts or the Giver?" On a good day, my answer is easy and carefree- "The Giver!" On the tough days my answer is the same, but without the enthusiasm and with tearful longing... "The Giver... I believe... Lord help my unbelief." I have very few possessions that have much worldly value, and my contentment with that has led me to believe that it is because I find my satisfaction in the Giver alone. Yet when the most valuable gift I have is possibly going to be taken away, I learn that I often trust the gifts more quickly than I do the Giver. So I have prayed, with many tears, that He would give me the faith to trust Him to provide however He desires... whether that means the giving of gifts, the taking of gifts, or simply not giving gifts. The presence or absence of gifts do not change the fact that the Giver is good and sufficient and loving beyond comprehension. He always will provide, regardless of if His provision meets our expectations, He will ALWAYS provide and it will ALWAYS be for our best.
I've also been shown my pride and it is hideous. In the movie "Pursuit of Happyness," there is a scene where Christopher and his dad are walking and he says, Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!" How often God has to call me dummy when I ask such similar questions. As I have vacillated (I just looked that word up and it actually means what I thought it did!) between deep faith in God's provision and extreme fear of what will happen, I cling to the truth that He has shown me over and over and over and over again- it will work out, because the Giver is more concerned with the one He loves than the the gifts He gives. Whatever does or doesn't happen, it will draw me nearer to Him if I will let it. So then today, a dear friend and amazing woman of God who humbles me and inspires me to love God more offers to take care of the deficit I owe, and more. And instead of saying thank you and rejoicing in the gift God was offering to me- and like she said, to her in being able to give- I said that I don't want it, I don't want any more "handouts." And she gently called me out on my enormous pride... I wanted to wave the boat by and wait for God to save me when He is the one that sent the boat.
It's so fucking hard to need other people. But what is humbling is that as I wrote that sentence I realized that what I'm saying is that it is so fucking hard to receive the gifts that God gives me. I only want some of His gifts, and I want to feel like I earned them. You don't earn gifts. Either you receive them or you don't, and your choice depends on how much you trust the one giving the gifts. So, what's it going to be- the gifts or the Giver?
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