Suicide prevention week- post #5

Some days the journey just seems a hell of a lot harder.  It's like when you are hiking up the mountains.  Although the incline might remain fairly consistent, there are patches of the hike that just feel a whole lot more difficult.  It's not necessarily because you are in the midst of, or just conquered, some huge challenge- climbed up rocks, waded in muddy waters, bushwhacked through dense vegetation, crawled up a steep hill... Maybe it is a rougher patch in the hike- the ground is wet and slippery, it's getting dark and harder to see, you just tweaked your ankle... But more than the actual difficulty of the rougher patch, it just reminds you that you have been hiking uphill for a long fucking time, and you are nowhere near the top.  And so you find a rock, and you sit down and pull out some water and a granola bar, wipe the sweat from your face, and wonder, "How much further?  Is the top really gonna make all of this worth it?  Can I even actually make it to the top??"

I am constantly fighting to not disappear from the people that love me and that I love, to not give in and crumble under the unimaginable weight of just trying to do a little more than simply survive, to keep hoping that I'm moving forward and trusting that God is sovereign all along the way, to keep allowing- or sometimes forcing- myself to feel and express emotions... When I hit one of those rough passages especially, none of these things come naturally for me.  Some days they are easier to live out than others, but I keep finding myself sitting on that rock asking the questions.  And the apex is always the simple question, "why keep going??

Today, I don't necessarily know the answer to that question.  But as long as I also don't know the answer to the question, "why NOT keep going?" I am okay.  I don't know what to do, and I don't know what I feel, and I don't understand what's going on.  But I'm okay.

So here is my final thought/challenge for suicide awareness week.  You might unknowingly pass by me- or someone like me- today, or be in line at the store in front of me, or sit by me on the bus... and I might look out of it and rude and ignore you, or snap about something insignificant, or stare at you for some reason... I don't mean to, but it's just one of those days, ya know?  So before you retaliate against me, will you stop and just realize that maybe I'm having a rough day, and I didn't mean to be rude or disrespectful?  And then will you maybe even go out of your way to remind me in a very simple way to keep going- like hold a door for me, or pick up something I dropped, or let me go first... If we are intentional about communicating the importance of people's lives in simple, intentional ways, I'm guessing it could help a lot of people find reasons to keep going at least one more day.