It is crazy to think that even just 10 years ago I wanted nothing to do with my family. To anyone that doubts the reconciling power of God, I am testimony to the fact that His power is limitless and no sin of ours is beyond the realms of His forgiveness, as well as His desire and ability to work all things for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
Even in my many years of pain from and anger towards my family, I have always had a deep respect for my mom. One of the most formative moments of my life was when I was young (maybe like 9 or 10?) and I was standing in the doorway of the bathroom one evening while my mom was getting ready for work, and she told me that she would be proud of me no matter what I did or didn't do, and no matter who I did or didn't become. This message was so opposite of everything I had heard/experienced/believed, and though I wasn't always convinced it was true, I have returned to that moment over and over again throughout my life.
Throughout the past 10 years, the Lord has gradually changed my heart towards my family- convicted me of my sin, brought me to repentance, given me grace and forgiveness for the sins of those in my family, and given us opportunity to have real and hard and messy conversations that have over time led to healing and reconciliation. And from all of this, my mom has become quite possibly my closest friend.
We are incredibly different from each other, and that has given me extensive opportunity to watch and listen and learn from her. My mom is quiet, humble, serving, encouraging, faithful, compassionate, courageous, eager to listen and slow to speak, loving, caring, steadfast in her love for the Lord, forgiving, gracious, honest, patient, consistent, always seeking to learn and grow, dependable, gentle, wise, genuine, moral, fair... she continually models a life of faith that challenges and inspires me.
I have seen her grow vastly over the last few years, and it has brought deep joy to my soul as she has become more confident in who the Lord has created her to be. I have gotten to hear stories from her life, prayers she has prayed- and the ways God has answered her prayers, her views and the things she is pondering and learning as well as the things she is becoming increasingly convinced/convicted of, and even her struggles and questions. I have watched her discover and embrace the things she is passionate about and gifted in, and find contentment in the identity Christ has given her as well as the mystery of faith.
Mom, I know that I speak way more than I listen in our conversations, but I hope it is evident that I'm trying to become more balanced in that. I want you to know, though, that I take your words in deeply, whether I acknowledge it to you or fail to do so. Your words have profoundly shaped my life, from the time you sang me to sleep as a baby to now. I long to learn from you and become more like you. And I know that I don't say it hardly ever, but I love you. And knowing that your love for me is unwavering has repeatedly been an anchor for my soul, and has pointed me to the steadfast love of our Father throughout my entire life.
Mom, thank you for being one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. Thank you for spending countless hours in prayer for me. Thank you for being proud of me, and telling me. Thank you for forgiving me over and over again. Thank you for hoping on my behalf. Thank you for listening, and thank you for talking. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for being you. And thank you for allowing the Lord to reveal Himself to me through you.
And if kids are allowed to say it to parents (well, even if they aren't... I guess I've never been one to follow the expected patterns of kids/parents, huh?!), I want you to know that I am really proud of you. And I'm really proud to be your daughter.
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