Available & Willing

It is one of those nights where I just need to write, so I figured I'd add an installment to the Learning Lessons series.

Back in January I spent a few days up in northern MN with some family friends.  They live lives of extreme simplicity and hard work and I admire and respect them deeply.  Their faith in God is tested and true, and they live it out every day.  Part of why I went up there (into that crisp northern air that was another 20 degrees colder than the -20 degrees we already had in Minneapolis) was because the oldest son in the family has been leading his family in faithful obedience to a call from God that is similar to the call I received from God almost 2 years ago.

As I have described in bits and pieces throughout this series, in the fall of 2012 God made it increasingly clear that He was leading me down a path I never foresaw.  That isn't completely true... I have prayed for most of my life that He would lead me through anything that would enable me to better understand His love for the people He was pursuing but the world had forgotten or pushed aside or trampled over.  I knew that it could lead to something like the last 2 years, and prayed that if it would make me love more like He loved, bring it.  But I guess I just never envisioned it looking like this or something.  As my job doing ministry in south Minneapolis came to an end, I knew that He wasn't done using me or the team of people I am a part of in this neighborhood.  As I prayed about what to do, I felt lead to continue doing everything I was doing here and trust Him to provide for every financial need I would have- without specifically asking anyone to be that vessel of provision.  I know it sounds vague to say "I felt lead," because it is.  To be lead by God looks different for all of us, and even looks different in various seasons of our own lives.  I think there is always an element of ambiguity to God leading or calling, because we are required to "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:17), and "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1).  He gives us assurance and conviction, but we can't see the full picture yet.  So to quote a dear friend, "I know that I know that I know that I know" what He was/is calling me to, but don't know really what any of the details of it look like.  All I know is that His voice has been so clear, His touch so tender and authoritative, and I can't do anything but walk by faith in obedience.

Throughout these past couple years I have faced much questioning and even opposition regarding my discernment, with countless reasons and arguments.  I think it has mostly been offered from a place of love and concern, but it has been incredibly discouraging and alienating at times, especially in that first year.  So I went up north to go visit these family friends and ask them how they have done it, especially since Nathan has been doing it with a family of 6, for like a decade.  They literally completely trust God to provide everything they need, without them trying to "help" that process.

*Just to clarify, I have nothing against "support raising" and believe it is a Biblical mandate for those called to do so, and that we are supposed to join other believers throughout the world financially.  And, sometimes God calls people to kinda keep out of that process and let Him provide the resources/finances/support without us prompting others to be the vessel of that provision.  I don't know how clear I am saying all of this, but I guess it all boils down to God calls us in different ways when it comes to receiving His financial provision- some are to work, some are to trade, some are to "raise support", some are not to be involved in the mediating of His provision in their own lives...

As we talked throughout my time there, two words summed up everything I was hearing from them: "available" and "willing."  Not working or going around raising support frees up ample time, and the way to steward that time is to BE AVAILABLE to any opportunity God might bring to be with others, serve, pray, grow in awareness of and gratitude for the incalculable ways God is at work around me and throughout the world.  This requires rigorous intentionality to not let life get "cluttered" with things that may be good but take away from what He wants me to be available for.  Discernment is necessary to know when He is saying, "THIS is what you are available for- be with this person, help with this thing, etc."  When He gives the nudge (or shove), I then have to BE WILLING to step obediently.  I don't get to pick and choose what I am being available to/for.  I am available because He wants to use me in specific ways, so when opportunities arise and God seems to giving me the nod, I have to respond obediently.

I can't even tell you how varied these opportunities have been the past 2 years, but they have not been random or purposeless.  Tutoring, helping with an application or resume, sitting at the side of friends and family in hospital beds in their last days, holding newborn twins, praying for and with others, searching for missing kids, visiting friends, educating and advocating, lots of holding hands and hugging... no day looks the same as the day before or the day that will come next.  And the emotions vary as much as the days- excitement, fear, anticipation, weariness, pain and sorrow, joy, gratitude, confusion, frustration, connection, loneliness, anxiety, contentment, despair, hope... and for me these are all felt with great intensity.  Without the desperate reliance on the steadfast love of God, I would have either been ruined by this adventure or given up and chose an altogether different route.  I remind myself over and over and over again of Romans 4 & 5 (and when I forget, I have amazing people in my life that remind me)...

No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.     (Romans 4:20-21)

The last couple months, being "available and willing" has looked like helping friends move and clean.  Nothing glorious or admirable... but not having a job or other time-intensive commitments has meant that I could be there a lot more than others are able to be.  All I had to do was obediently jump in with willingness and joy.  What is beautiful is that He provides the willingness and joy, too.

These 2 simple words have guided the decisions I make each day.  I have been given opportunities to be with people in ways that I probably would have overlooked or even been completely unaware of if it weren't for these 2 words constantly running through my mind.  And these 2 words have given me a whole new understanding of how to approach the Lord- for direction, for provision, for forgiveness, for blessing, for everything.  Here I am Lord; give me whatever you want to give me, lead me wherever You want to use me, teach me what what I need to know, make me who You created me to be, show me what I am unable to see on my own, purge me of the sin so deep within me, satisfy me with your unfailing love...

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.
All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
(Psalm 25:8-10)