the secret is out

So you, by the help of your God, return,
hold fast to love and justice,
and wait continually for your God.
          Hosea 12:6

A couple months ago I was telling a friend about how I had begun secretly reading this book that has been suggested to me numerous times ever since I was in college.  She said that she hoped it would affect me so much that I had to write about it on my blog, confessing to the world that I not only read but loved this book.  Congratulations, roomie, your day has come!

If you know me, you will understand my hesitancy in admitting what the book is, because it is about the most stereotypically girlie Christian fiction that has ever been written.  Or so I thought.  For weeks I wouldn't even read it in public, or even tell my closest friends that I was reading it.  And then I got over myself and started telling everyone about how amazing it is and that they should read it.  Now here I am exposing this secret to all (and by "all" I mean the very limited population that reads my blog!).  The book: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

I gave in and bought the book, taking the advice of many to read some "lighter" books, even fiction.  I knew this book was fiction, so I decided I would read it to take a "break" from the other stuff.  I read the prologue... and was pretty sure I had just begun possibly the most emotionally intense book in my library.  A "break" was not achieved, but my life has been affected deeply.  So when (when, not if) you read it, just know that it's not fluffy romance or any crap like that.  It's a chance to have a bird's-eye view of your life and God's relentless love and mercy.

I'm not going to give away the story, because I really do want you to read it.  If you don't have time to read it yet, it's a "retelling of the book of Hosea" so read Hosea for starters, it's about 450 pages shorter.  But here's the gist of it: the main character (Sarah/Israel/me/you) is a girl who has known no other life but prostitution, and the main-er character (Michael/God) is a guy who obediently pursues her and marries her.  The rest of the story revolves mostly around his attempts for her to see herself for who she actually is, not who she has been, and to see him for who he actually is, not who all men she has known have been.

I have never been so emotionally affected by a book.  I didn't feel like I was reading fiction or even a memoir- I was reading my life story.  I had to read about my "whoredom" and attempts to escape... over and over again.  I thought about how hard it must be for those who love me to watch me struggle to realize who I truly am and the love I've been given; to see progress and change, but soon be disappointed by my return to old ways; to receive my love and loyalty, but quickly learn I had withdrawn, again; to hope for me, but never see me hope for myself...

The crazy cool thing about this book, though, is that while that stuff rocked me, I couldn't look at that too long before I was drawn to the other character.  Realizing in a deeper way how stubborn, confused, broken and hardened I was and am... enabled me to see in a more profound way who God is, and specifically how He has loved me.  He has been patient, consistent, strong, tender, affectionate, forgiving, wise........  He has loved me with an unfailing love.

I am not "what I have or haven't done" and I need to see that and live it.  He is not like any other person in my life, and I need to stop projecting others' betrayals/abandonments/failures/attacks on Him.  I am the bride that He has created, chosen, bought at an incredibly costly price, wooed, redeemed and loved.  That is my identity- whether I live up to it all the time or not, that is who I am.  And He is the Lover who will not let me be anything else.  Despite all of my experiences in this life, my identity is "His chosen one," and His is "I AM."

The implications are endless, but this post should not be, so I'll end there.  Read the book, please.  Boys- this includes you.  Rip the cover off if you need to protect your manliness.  But please read it.

And I will betroth you to Me forever.  I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.  I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.  And you shall know the Lord.
          Hosea 2:19-20