disappointment is impossible

For the sake of time and space, I'm going to pull out two phrases from Romans 4 & 5... These phrases only increases in richness when understood in context (which is a common theme with Scripture), but these two phrases in particular have always stuck out to me, and never more so than today.

Romans 4:18

ESV- "In hope he believed against hope" (he= Abraham)

NIV- "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed"

I have been drawn to this phrase ever since I started reading the Bible in college.  As far as grammar goes, this seems like the most absurd sentence ever (but grammar isn't a strong point of mine, so maybe it is actually quite correct..?).  How can hope be lost AND be the source of belief, in the same sentence?!?  Now quickly, this passage is towards the end of chapter 4 which is a shout-out to Abraham because he believed God's promise concerning his offspring, which was clearly not looking promising (4:19 says that his body was "as good as dead" and Sarah was barren).  Calvin's commentary says this about 4:18: "when there was no probable reason, yea, when all things were against him, he yet continued to believe... for when he had no ground for hoping he yet in hope relied on the promise of God; and he thought it a sufficient reason for hoping, that the Lord had promised, however incredible the thing was in itself."

Hope has always been a difficult thing for me- it has always been followed with disappointment in my life.  Hope seemed like evidence for stupidity- anyone that was fooled into hoping for something must be so dumb that they deserve the disappointment that inevitably is coming.  By the time I was in my early teens, I had experienced enough disappointment- both my own, and what I seemed to cause others- that all I wanted was to be numb.  My heart was rock solid from everything that was just stuffed in there to avoid any kind of emotion; and there was an impenetrable wall blocking any kind of vulnerable relationships.  

Beginning in college, I began to try to address these two things, but the project was far bigger than I ever realized.  So while I was working at this stuff, due to a lifetime of stuffing and building, I think I was probably doing a "one step forward and a few backward" type thing.  Point being... well, I feel like I was making progress AND making things worse simultaneously.  And eventually, my goal from about ten years earlier seemed to have been reached- numbness.  

I've asked people about the last few years (since my memory is terrible, at best), specifically regarding my emotional capabilities- was I actually numb, or was I overwhelmed with emotion?  While there may be some truth to both, the most prominent situation seems to have been numbness.  I have been told that some of my greatest distress came from this sense that I was experiencing so much emotion, and yet felt nothing.  Even thinking about is sounds torturous.  Along with this reality, I had also come to a point where I had no hope whatsoever.  I thought in junior high that I had come up with the single greatest theory ever- don't feel/don't hope.  And now I seemed to be excelling, and my life was nothing short of madness...

I get the "against hope" part of Romans 4:18.  I'm very familiar with the evidence against hope- no word has ever sounded more futile to me than that word, up until this year.  And when it comes to God- He promises some pretty crazy things; there are a whole heap of reasons to give up hoping in His outrageous claims (read the Old Testament through Israel's eyes).  But, the point of this verse isn't the "hope" that has no basis- that just sets the verse up for the "hope" that doesn't care whether it is realistic or not because it is based on the promise of God.  "Against hope" only emphasizes how powerful it is that Abraham believed in light of a far greater hope!

So, I know that Abraham was a pretty solid guy, and I even know that God made good on His promise.  I am able to see, very clearly, that the hope that anchored Abraham's belief was actually nothing near disappointing.  God has given me ample reason to trust the legitimacy of such hope.  Yet I am far from convinced- it all sounds good... except when my extremely weak heart is at stake.  Nothing about the word "hope" stirs joy or excitement in me; all I can think of is fear.  Even now, when I have caught this teeny weeny itty little bit of hope, I am gripped with fear because I assume disappoint is just around the corner.

Then today this came to mind:

Romans 5:5

ESV- "and hope does not put us to shame"

NIV- "And hope does not disappoint us"

"DOES NOT."  This is very definitive language; no margin for error provided.  There is not even the slightest chance of shame or disappointment.  I have been firmly declaring these simple words to myself over and over and over and over again today... "AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT!"  

I'll wrap up with one final, essential thing- why is it completely impossible to be disappointed by this hope that Paul keeps referring to???  Read the next words in Romans 5:5- "because GOD's love..."  

If God is the source of, reason for, culmination of.... If HE is your hope... disappointment need not ever be feared.  If HE is your hope, satisfaction will be a pathetically inadequate description of what such hope will lead to.

In hope believe against hope, because hope does not disappoint.