I've heard it said that pride and shame are actually surprisingly similar- both are the result of total focus on oneself. Psychology folks often simplify the guilt/shame difference as such: guilt causes one to think, "I have done something bad," whereas shame causes one to think, "I am bad." Shame is just as self-centered as pride.
Now hear me when I say this- I struggle immensely with shame and am very aware of the natural response of us shame-ridden people when we are told that our shame is self-centered. It has simply fed my shame, because now I hate myself for hating myself. This is the ruthless cycle we find ourselves in, thus I am cautious in calling shame self-centered. But for me, realizing that it is self-centered is the only way I am able to see the "solution." I despise myself because I could list endless examples of things I have said and done, as well as instances of silence and dormancy, which were at best not constructive and at worst incredibly destructive. I hate myself because I know myself.
On Tuesday I was at AA and had one of those lightbulb moments as I shared about how I just realized that these things that have been the source of so much shame in my life (I.e. alcohol, mental illness, etc.) have mysteriously become the very things that I speak most openly about. And as I have pondered how that could be, I've realized it has become this way because these things now make me think far more about God. When I was ashamed, I thought about me. Now that I am less ashamed, I think more about God. Interesting...
The answer is to look to something other than ourselves. If we are completely enthralled with something else, shame will be a non-issue, because for shame to exist there has to be great self-awareness. I'm finding that I am experiencing less shame the more I forget myself. I've been stuck on this little part of Isaiah the last week or so... As I study Isaiah and just understand more of the history of Israel, and really the general condition of mankind, I am struck by how often God causes extreme horrendous situations to cause people to remember Him and turn back to Him. I keep catching myself thinking, "Why didn't they just believe Him or trust Him in the first place? It would have been so much easier!" And then I am quickly reminded of how unbelievably similar my story is to Israel's, and I have to ask myself the same question. Anyway, I had that whole situation happen this week with these verses:
Isaiah 17:7-8 In that day man will look to his Maker, and his eyes will look on the Holy One of Israel. He will not look to the altars, the work of his hands, and he will not look on what his own fingers have made...
Isaiah 17:10 For you have forgotten the God of your salvation and have not remembered the Rock of your refuge...
I am quick to forget the God of my salvation, and slow to remember the Rock of my refuge. And some of the toughest, worst seasons of my life have been things that have brought me to a place where I look to my Maker, on the Holy One of Israel, and not things of this world, in a new way. I think what I'm trying to say is that many parts of my life that have been the source of shame are being redeemed and becoming sources of intimacy with the Lord, and He is also using them to be sources of hope and truth in the lives of others.
... to be continued...
[disclaimer: I am trying very hard to condense the massive amounts of pages I have journaled in the last week into readable pithy posts... but I have no clue how much sense I am making when I condense.]
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