This post may be a rambling of sorts... many thoughts floating in my head lately, but nothing complete enough to even write in the pages of my journal...
I live with an illness that will forever be a part of who I am. And because of this illness, I take many meds everyday so that I can be "normal." I am thankful that doctors have finally found this "magical combo" and I am able to function relatively normal on a daily basis. But/And, I sacrifice a part of me to become "normal" enough to do so... I doubt many who are "naturally normal" understand this, but that makes it no less true. Part of my illness includes experiencing emotion in intensified ways, and that is the very thing that my meds "cure." But I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I wonder why this needs to be "cured," and/or how much I want it "cured."
I am committed to taking my 6 ridiculously expensive meds faithfully everyday, only because I'm terrified of ever living in the horrendously dark abyss that was my reality for so long. But rather than being grateful that these "magical little capsules" make me more like those deemed as "normal, functioning human beings," I'm reminded that I have been labeled as "sick," and the pills don't fix anything, they just make me more like everyone else for a few hours. And I'm always wondering- why do I need to be more like everyone else? What's so great about being "normal"?
These are questions that I wrestle with constantly. I've never found answers, and don't know that I ever will. But I hope the "naturally normal" people will listen and try to understand that sometimes we who have been deemed "sick" might have a lot to teach the rest. Maybe sometimes "sickness"- as we have defined it- isn't always a curse, or at least not completely...
It's been a darker season for me lately, so my questions and thoughts are probably more blunt. But they are real, and I'm guessing someone else who is "sick" might have similar ones. Nonetheless, I turn to my trusty companions, Mumford and Sons, to remind me that sometimes darkness robs us of our sight...
But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight
So hold on to what you believed in the light
Who knows what the answers to these questions are. But for now, I'm just going to hold on to what I've believed in the light.
I think you're using the term sick instead of lost. I have seen you lost and found; it's not because you become more normal, it's because you come back to being more you. Just a thought with love.
ReplyDelete