2 Corinthians 1:8-11... For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.
2 Corinthians 4:7-11... But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10... So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Constantly struggling, feeling so broken and weak day after day, month after month, year after year... it takes its toll on me. At best it causes humility, but often it just leaves me feeling humiliated. And it seems that oftentimes those who haven't known such a life speak out of their lack of understanding in a way that makes me feel ashamed for not wanting and/or having the faith to be "healed." And those who are able to relate all to often lack any degree of hope. [Disclaimer: I've been in both of those camps before.] I have found very few people who are able to- or even want to- live in the tension of- or maybe more accurately, the marriage of- brokenness AND hope. But guys like Job and Paul seem to have done it, or at least relentlessly strove to do it. And their lives and their words encourage and challenge me. They show me that there is actually unbelievable beauty and potential in living in light of BOTH of these realities/truths.
I HATE constantly struggling and feeling so broken and weak. And I HATE having to tell people- over and over again- that I am struggling, broken and weak. But, as Paul far more eloquently points out- it brings me to my knees, desperate for the strength, sufficiency, grandeur, power, glory of God. Which leads me to believe that I may actually know (... and live in...?) God's strength and power more than those who aren't perpetually crushed by their own weariness and brokenness. When I look at them (the "normals" as I sometimes like to call them), I'm tempted to assume that they must be stronger- and really, somehow, "better"- than me. And maybe they are. But maybe they are just less aware of their own brokenness and weakness. And if that's true, it may also be true that I have an advantage, or even a greater blessing... because I HAVE TO rely on God's greatness to just make it through the day, let alone be used by Him in the lives of others.
My hope necessarily lies completely outside of myself- which I think it must, Biblically. Not that I have come to this realization by choice, or study of and reflection upon Scripture, or any other noble route. It came from sheer necessity and desperation. But the great hope I have is to some extent proportionate to the great despair I have known, and the daily reminders of my complete inadequacy to even make it through each day. So as much as I hate (have I mentioned that I hate it?) this unyielding revelation of my absolute brokenness and weakness, which is compounded by the weariness of having already realized it yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before............. I'm a little grateful because it is in this place that I know HIS grace, sufficiency, strength, love, God-ness (is that a word?) the most. And when I know it, I can embrace it. And hopefully allow my ridiculously broken jar of clay show that all the power is in HIM, and all glory belongs to HIM alone.
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