One day at a time.

In AA you learn that one of the key things to sobriety is breaking life into manageable chunks.  And for us, those chunks rarely, if ever, come larger than 24 hours.  Many of us struggle to take bites even that big.  For me, I might be able to go a few hours at best.  But most of the time, it's a moment to moment deal.


Something that is incredibly difficult for those of us who have addiction(s) and/or mental illness(es), one of the hardest things is the stigma and/or lack of understanding that those around us have of these diseases.  I suppose I should just speak for myself here...


I'm asked, with a degree of regularity, if I want to be delivered/healed/whatever-else-you-want-to-call-it.  And I'm asked as if I'm the one who doesn't understand.  These conversations are some of the most prominent times that I have to practice my DBT skills- i.e. deep breaths and counting...  My frustrations, hurt, anger and other emotions differ slightly depending on the wording used (for instance, the word "delivered" really bothers me- I always want to reply with the question, "do you hound your brother about being "delivered" from his diabetes??").  But the root of the issue, I think, is probably always the same.  When I hear those questions, I am flooded with the same questions I have asked myself countless times- Is it really my fault?  Why don't I just change?  Why won't I just get over it and be happy? The shame creeps back in- these medical diagnosis are nothing but a coverup that I just suck.


And my frustrations, hurt, anger, etc. are stemming from the fact that I have spent years in counseling (and a lot of money) and many hours of prayer learning to fight shame.  Shame never entered history until there was sin, so it would reason that shame is not something we receive from God (see Naked we came, Naked we will be (part 2)), ergo it is from the devil and we must fight/flee it.  And I'm naturally good enough at shame that I really don't need others helping me out with it.  That's why those questions get to me.


Another question I get asked often is if I will be on meds for the rest of my life.  And again, there's this tone to the question- like if I really wanted to be "healed," or "realized" I don't need meds, I could be done with them.  Again, do you ask someone with cancer to stop doing chemo, because if they really wanted to be done with cancer or "healed" or whatever, they wouldn't need it????  Maybe- MAYBE- a day would come when I didn't "need" to be on meds.  Maybe.  But I'm not gonna lie... it took 6 or 7 years of trying different meds to find a combo that works pretty well.  And every day of that was sheer hell.  I'm not about to just "try" going without.  And if you went through what I went through, you'd know how fucking ridiculous the thought of just "trying" to stop taking meds is.


I've found that God is simply asking me to keep living- one day at a time.  He promises me that He will take care of my daily bread.  He's not promising me abundant cupboards for the rest of my life.  He's promising me enough for today, and reminding me that I don't need anything more than that.  Literally, and figuratively.  Each day, each moment, I just need to be faithful to the simple call He has given me- keep living, and keep coming to Him.  Some days that is the hardest thing imaginable.  Actually, many days it is.  But He promises He'll give me the strength to do it.  And I believe part of how He does that is by giving me smart doctors/therapists/etc. who give me medicines and skills that help me to not hate my life so much that I want to end it.


Do I want to be healed?  Yeah, of course.  But way more than that, I just want to know Jesus more and grow in my faith and faithfulness to Him.  And sometimes that means that we aren't healed.  I figure if Paul was stuck with his thorn or whatever, I might be stuck with my stuff forever, too.  But the "forever" isn't the point.  The point is will I be faithful in ANY circumstance, condition, situation?  Healing or no healing.  Alcoholism or no alcoholism.  Bipolar or no bipolar.  And my gratitude stems from the simple fact that He always gives me the faith to be faithful.  And He gives it to me one day at a time.