"How have you been?"

A simple, common question, but incredibly daunting to me.  I don't live a very exciting life.  By the world's standards, I don't do much, and I rarely have "noteworthy" events take place.  I live a humble, modest life, and just surviving each day is an incredible task for me.  At best, I can talk about a cool breakthrough I have recently seen in a kid or family that I work with, or talk about a book I've been reading, or maybe share some profound-ish musing I have had.  At best.  The reality, though, is that there often aren't "breakthroughs" with the kids and families- or at least not that most people would understand/appreciate (for example, when I worked at the shelter, one of the most amazing things was when one of the boys would say at a meal, "May I please have the __?").  And I don't read as much as I'd like to, and often the books I read aren't ones that others have much interest in conversing about.  And I don't exactly ooze profound-ish thoughts.  Ergo, I usually don't really know how to respond to the question, "How have you been?"

And yet, my life is far from boring- for me anyway.  Every day presents new challenges, in addition to the ones I already face every single day.  When I wake up in the morning, it usually takes me 20-30 minutes to convince myself to get up and take on another day.  As I get ready, I stare at myself in the mirror and try to believe that what I see in the mirror and what everyone else sees when they look at me aren't as important as what God sees when He looks at me.  I leave for work, and as I smoke the day's first cigarette, I fight shame regarding the fact that I still smoke, and though I've cut back drastically, I still can't seem to completely quit.  At work I begin with the straightforward administrative-ish tasks, but eventually find myself overwhelmed at the fact that there is always way more for me to do than I am able to do.  So, I do what I can.  As other leaders arrive, we pray for the kids, the space we will be in, the objectives of the program, and primarily that God will just reveal Himself to all of us in the short time we are together.  I greet kids as they arrive for that day's program, and then do my best to remain fully engaged throughout the time, but all the while I fight feeling like a failure because of the lack of "numbers" that the programs are evaluated on.  And mixed with that is this delight in the ways that God is powerfully moving through these simple programs and us messed up leaders.  Almost always, there is at least one moment where I realize I have a huge smile because God lets me see something that He sees in one of the kids.  As the kids leave, I feel a release from the anxiety I experienced the entire time I was responsible for __ lives.  I drive home, smoking another cigarette, fighting the same shame as when I smoked the first one.  At some point I realize that I'm smiling thinking about something the kids did or said, or something they finally didn't do or say.  I realize how much I love these kids, and how honored I am that God has chosen me to speak truth into and invest in these lives.  Once home I think about all the people in my life who I love dearly and want to call/write/e-mail...  And I think about the books/articles I so badly want to read...  I think about playing guitar...  And I think about how I want to clean up my apartment and get organized...  I think about how I want to spend my evening in prayer and just soaking in Scripture... I think about the book I want to write...  I miss my nephews...  I remember that I should eat...  Lacking the energy and/or focus to do much of anything, I lie down and read e-mails, so that I at least know what's going on in my friends' lives and I can pray for them more specifically.  Maybe I get something "productive" done, but usually only one or two things.  I go to bed around 9 or 10, maybe watch an episode or two of "Friends" or "The Office."  After anywhere from 1-3 hours of sheer torture later, I fall asleep.  I made it through another day.

How have I been?  God's grace is sufficient.  Life is really hard for me, and I don't know how else to say that.  But God is good and He is faithful, and almost every day He reveals more of Himself to me.  And He reminds me often- usually through the amazing people He puts in my life- that He is using me (whether I see it or not) to draw people to Himself and to bring His Kingdom to earth.  So, I'm going to do another day.  As long as His only expectation of me is to come to Him, I think I can do another day.  

I don't know if that answers the question, but that's how I've been.