Why the walk?

4 days ago I mentioned in the post Out of Darkness Overnight that I was hoping to miraculously be a part of the Out of Darkness Overnight walk to end suicide. I honestly didn't believe it would happen...

And yet in only 4 days, someone has graciously provided my plane ticket, another person my hotel, and $770 has been donated towards the minimum of $1000 I need to raise.  In 4 DAYS.  (This is all thanks in large part to my amazing friend Jen, and this post on her blog.)  I am overwhelmed... and so incredibly grateful that I'm going to be a part of this event I've wanted to be a part of for so long.  If you want to join me in this, here is the link to my donor page.  If you want to help towards what little expenses remain (i.e. eating while I'm there, transportation to/from the airport, etc.) leave me a message.

I mentioned in that post a few of the reasons why I want to do this walk, but I'm going to  share a little more.

I have struggled with depression to varying degrees since I was a kid.  Although I have had seasons where the depression is pretty mild and manageable, I don't think I have ever really had any sort of extended time when it was completely absent.  When I was 16 I experienced my first bout of severe depression, and a little over a year later I was finally able to accept and acknowledge that I really did have depression.  Since then I have had several more seasons of severe, nearly (or completely) debilitating depression, the longest and most extreme season lasting 2 1/2 years.  Eventually my mental health professional support "team" was finally able to decide on a more accurate diagnosis and find some meds that brought relative stability to my mind so that I could fight to maintain relative stability in my life.  For almost 3 years I got to experience this relative stability, probably the longest respite I have had since I was 16.  And then about 6 months ago the meds stopped working and the downward spiral began once again, declining at a faster speed as the months went on, until I found myself back at the "solution" of suicide.  After 3 suicide attempts that didn't work, I was resolved that this time it MUST work.

Thankfully, I have amazing friends, and before things got to the point that I wouldn't even be willing to receive help, I reached out.  My friends checked in with me daily, making sure I was safe and offering their support as best as they knew how.  And then 2 weeks ago it got to the point that I knew even their love wasn't going to stop me from taking my life, so I asked them to take me to the hospital.  I have been hospitalized for "suicidal ideation" or attempts 8 times now, and previous to this time, I have never made the decision to go in.  The hospital is not magical by any means, and a psych ward is really hard place to be.  But it is basically safe, and for the week I was there I didn't have to spend every ounce of strength every minute of the day fighting to stay safe.  I never "felt better" or really gained any hope in my time there, but God was gracious to remind me of why I have stayed in this fight this long...

#1: My life is not mine.  I don't get to decide when I die, even though I HATE that.  And even when I have decided to kill myself, God keeps trumping my best efforts at doing so.  I have been working on memorizing Psalm 143 and while in the hospital I got to verse 11: "For Your Name's sake, Lord, preserve my life..."  I realized that if I am going to memorize this, meditate on it, and pray it, I need to be willing to accept Him preserving my life.  Not because I want God to preserve my life, but for His Name's sake.  I have devoted my entire life to pursuing and following Him, and if His will is for me to live, then I need to keep living. 

#2: I am utterly convinced that at least part of why I have to continue living with mental illness- why I have experienced what I have experienced, why I have lived through attempts, why I need to keep going- is because God wants to use my voice and my story to support (I wish I knew a better word than that) those who live in a similar hell as me, and to educate those that don't.  Those of us in this fight need to fight together, and the rest of the world needs to learn how to help us fight, and my voice is going to be part of making those things happen.

This walk is a small part of me staying in the fight and raising my voice.  I have no idea what to expect for the event, I just know I need to be there.  And the fact that in only 4 days almost everything has come together for me to be there is confirmation of that for me.  So that's a little more of why this is so important...