a pause in the journey

In a little more than 24 hours I will leave for Washington D.C. to be a part of The Out of the Darkness overnight walk.  The walk begins around dusk and, together, thousands of us who's lives have been directly impacted by the reality of suicide will walk 16 miles through the night, getting back to the ceremony site as the sun begins to rise.

I don't know a single person that will be there, and yet I feel little anxiety about the event because there is something about mutual struggles and pain that quickly breaks down barriers and allows for relationships to build more speedily than normal.  And what I find fascinating about that is how this is true even amongst those on "opposite sides" of these struggles and pain.  I will be walking (among other reasons) as one who has attempted suicide multiple times and continuously struggles to fight its lure on a daily basis.  And many of those who I will be walking alongside are family and friends who have lost someone they love deeply to suicide.  I think a huge part of why this can be is because- when the stigma is overtaken by understanding and empathy- we can all acknowledge that suicide is the enemy, and we are all together in this fight against this enemy.

I have wanted to do this walk for many years, so I am very much eager to be there and be in the midst of the actual event.  I pray that somehow it will bring healing and clarity and understanding and strength, but really I have no idea what to expect as to how it will impact me.  I am nervous and hopeful...

I think this walk symbolizes the faint but still present willingness I have to continue on in the fight... to walk through the darkness as long as it takes to find light, and to allow others to walk IN the darkness WITH me, rather than expecting them to just wait for me where it is light... that I will trust that God has purposes in this and therefore will keep praying "For Your Name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life!" (Psalm 143:11)  And when I have no more fight in me, rather than ending my life, I will embrace Moses' words to Israel, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:14)

So this weekend I will in a sense take a pause in my journey, and allot these few days to acknowledging, grieving, addressing, and fighting suicide- for myself, and for/with others.  It will be a time to build an altar in the desert to remind me of God's faithfulness thus far in my journey... and His promised faithfulness throughout the rest of my journey...

Please, please pray for me this weekend.