stifled

Writing is difficult these days, which makes living more difficult, too.

I'm not sure where this love of writing came from, but it has become an integral part of my life.  One reason I find it absolutely vital is because I am able to think and process more clearly on paper than anywhere else.  I'm able to be completely raw and [nearly] uncensored in spewing out what I know I am thinking and feeling, as well as discover thoughts and emotions I was completely unaware of.  I am often able to think with more clarity, remember/recognize Truth, and fix my eyes more attentively on Christ- whom I admittedly lose sight of all too often.  All this to say that writing is medicinal to me, and when I am unable to write- for whatever reason- my health, sanity, community, and my faith become more elusive.  And one of the most frustrating deterrents from writing is just not knowing where to start because nothing seems coherent enough to even get the pen moving, despite so much that wants/needs to get out of me and onto that paper.

The darker depression makes things, the more this is true... and it feels- at least to some extent- toxic, and torturous.


I'm guessing that part of the struggle at this point is that I don't feel like I have any new things to say, especially on here.  I live in the midst of a tireless battle in which I would like to lose, yet I am forced to fight (fight for something I don't want...).  And it sucks, and I hate it, and it seems endless, and no matter the battle strategy (i.e. treatment options), I keep losing... but not losing enough for the fight to be over.  I feel like I'm stuck in some stupid war video game where I have unlimited lives but will never be able to win so it goes on forever until someone finally shuts off the game.


So this post is basically just to say that I'm trying to get back to writing more on here, but am in need of some prompts or inspiration or something... but something will come, just hang with me for a bit...