reasons to celebrate

Now let me tell you about some of the accomplishments I’m most proud of today: getting out of bed. Eating lunch. Telling a friend how I feel about something. Letting someone help me. Accepting a compliment. 

Are you confused? Those may seem like little things to you, like odd things to be proud of. But the truth is this: Sometimes the little things are big things. 

You might not think that the “little” things in your life are a big deal. But if you are depressed and you got out of bed today: Congratulations! If you have a hard time reaching out and you talked to someone today: Congratulations! If you struggle with self-injury but made a different choice today: Congratulations! If you made a choice of self-care today: Congratulations!  

If you are alive today: Congratulations!   

You do not need to wait for a major milestone in your life to take pride in what you’ve accomplished. Celebrate those seemingly small victories as the big victories they truly are. It’s all too easy to get weighed down by the burdens we carry and the pain in our hearts. It’s all too easy to think we have nothing to celebrate. It’s all too easy to think that you are worthless, that you don’t do anything right – but you do. 

     - Excerpts from TWLOHA blog post: Congratulations by Brit Barkholtz

These were some words that breathed life into me last week.  I have been going through the process of applying for SSD benefits, and it has really taken a toll on me.  Despite being advised to do this for at least a couple years now, pride and shame prevented me from actually moving forward.  A whole slew of reasons made me think that I shouldn't be allowed to receive these benefits- I'm only 30, I'm a capable being and should be able to work just like anyone else, I have skills and gifts and a strong work ethic that make me good at the things I do, I should be able to push through/suck it up/whatever you want to call it... ultimately I think there is this part of me that thinks I should be superhuman, as if I'm invincible or something.  History has shown otherwise.  Mental illnesses have incredible capacity to tear down my life, especially when I refuse to acknowledge and accept the limitations that they bring into my life.  I've never been one to succumb to limitations, which throughout my life has lead at times to humiliation and has even been detrimental to myself and others.  And, it has also led to overcoming great obstacles and achieving things that were supposedly out of my reach.   Perseverance is one of my greatest strengths... stubbornness is probably one of my greatest weaknesses.

This is no less true in living with mental illnesses, as well as alcoholism.  One of my therapists told me that in light of all I have gone through, my refusal to submit or surrender to difficulties- even ones that are "impossibly insurmountable"- is quite possibly the only reason I am still alive... and that this same quality (which they then used the term "stubborn") has probably added unnecessary quandaries and may possibly lead to the end of my life.  There is probably a lot of truth in all of that.

Since I have a strong tendency to see things that are about me as pretty black and white (one might say I am a person of extremes...), this disability application process has left me feeling pretty incapable, useless, worthless, etc.  Seeing "disability" and "limitations" and "illness" and other such words with my name countless times over the past weeks, and having to go into detail about all the ways I am unable to function as a "normal person" has made it difficult to remember that these aren't the things that define who I am.  They are real, and I need to acknowledge them as such, and accept the help that is available to me... but I am more than what I can't do.

The blog I quoted above gives some really practical advice:

Take a couple of minutes and jot down a few things you’re proud of yourself for accomplishing recently. They can be as “little” or as “big” as you like. Just remember: All of these things are big. 

If this is your first time thinking about your progress this way, you may still not feel very proud of yourself for your accomplishments. Often, when we get stuck in these patterns of self-hate, it’s difficult to see things as accomplishments even when they are pointed out to us. It might be helpful to ask a friend or family member to help you think of the first few things. Even then, you may not fully believe them. That’s OK. I still sometimes struggle to believe the things on my own list.  

But write them down anyway.

Repeat this pattern as you go about your days, recognizing even the smallest steps you’ve taken, acknowledging them, and congratulating yourself for taking them. Turn it into a habit: recognize, acknowledge, congratulate. It will not only help you feel better about yourself on a day-to-day basis, but then you will also have that list for the bad days. On the days when nothing about you feels right or when you’re feeling worthless or hopeless, you will have that list as a reminder of all the things you’ve done. 

You’ve already done so much. And you will continue to do so much more.  

You are here. You are living and breathing and facing each day. You are alive.  

You are you - and that is enough.  

Congratulations.