Ambiguity

My mind keeps coming back to this word/concept, which was sparked by some of the stuff I quoted in the post "A form of torment so alien to everyday experience" a couple days ago. As I am in the midst of a season of increasing darkness and depression, I am being more pro-active than ever before.  Primarily, I am inviting others into the journey before it gets to the point that I don't want them along anymore.  I am in a unique place where I am aware of the "warning signs" and the decline I am in the midst of, and actually want help... which is new for me, and I think is generally a very elusive experience for many who live with mental illness and/or chemical dependency.

The first question that usually comes is, "What can I do to help/support you?"  I've never been able to really come up with a satisfactory answer to this.  I don't know... what is helpful from some people is very not helpful from others... what I want from some is the last thing I want from others... and depending on the day (or moment), the help/support I want varies- which is often (but not always) because sometimes I don't want anyone's help/support, so then I have to try to take that into account and attempt to prep people for the times I just want my space, and how to know when I indeed do need that and when it is actually unhealthy isolation and indicative of a declining condition.....  I don't really know the answer to the "What can I do?" question for myself, let alone know how to explain it to others.

Besides this standard question, many ask me to describe what bipolar II/depression looks like in my life.  Back in 2009 I wrote the post Depression which is the probably the best I have ever done in trying to answer these types of questions.  But the reality of my disease is that it is so ambiguous, and I HATE that.  It is really hard for me to describe, and it is nearly impossible for an "outsider/normal" person to understand.  And it is so ridiculously multi-faceted that even if I can convey one part, there are all these other layers and factors and whatnot.  So this all increases the difficulty in answering the "What can I do?" question.

And then in addition to that, many of the parts that are more clear to me are things that I am terrified to actually say because of the shame that I feel about these things.  That is the stuff that is in my journal but I am too scared to tell anyone or write on here... and then I am ashamed that there are things that I don't want to tell anyone, because how can I ask anyone to journey through darkness with me when I won't even tell them the whole truth?  Every day I wrestle with all of this, and end up frustrated and confused and alone...

One thing I do want to say, though, is that I WANT people to ask the questions- all of them.  Understand that I might not know how to answer, and I might be scared to answer, and I might even get upset about questions, but I want to be asked.  By far the hardest thing for me in my experiences with mental illness, alcoholism, anxiety, anorexia, self-injury, and suicide is when the people in my life- especially those I have sought out to ask them to be in this with me- are silent.  It is nearly impossible to offend me, there aren't many things you could say or ask that will catch me off-guard, your words won't jeopardize my safety... I deeply want the people in my life to understand- as best as we can achieve- and I want to do everything I can to educate anyone I can about this stuff that I have studied, lived with/through, and have journey with others in/through.  I feel like I am a qualified and legitimate voice when it comes to this stuff; and I want to be a resource for those that are called to struggles similar to mine, and for those that are supporting people they love that are called to those struggles.