"Though You Slay Me"

Tears are abundant these days.  I've written a number of times on here about how one of the hardest side effects of my meds has been the near elimination of emotion, emotions that I often knew were present deep inside of me, but I rarely was able to feel or experience them.  Now that I am pretty far along in my "med detox" I don't have the barriers to emotion that I have had for the past 8 or 9 years that I have been medicated.  It is beautiful to me.  Most days I feel the tears run down my face at least once out of deep gratitude and/or joy, and at least once out of sadness/weariness/confusion.  The majority of the latter tears have come during times of prayer for my friend who is in the final days of her life, and for her son, and for her family and friends- especially her sister who is one of my closest friends and her mother who is about as an amazing a mother as they come (after my own, of course).  Most of my prayers lack words, and that is increasingly true the longer she is in hospice and it's like her body is fighting to stay alive while the cancer continues to destroy it, no matter how resilient and tenacious her body might be.

I don't know anything about cancer, and the pain and suffering that it has brought into her life.  One thing I do know about, though, is being trapped inside a body ravished by the war between disease and health.  My experience has been of that war being primarily in my brain, while Jen's has been of the war starting in her breasts and spreading all over her body.  And the reality is that the enemy is going to win, and will win soon.  So why does the war have to continue when it means days filled with pain, anxiety, weariness... basically a mix of suffering and sleep??  I've asked that question of God for my own life many, many times, but the fundamental difference between Jen's situation and mine is that the enemy hasn't been guaranteed victory in my body- no matter how much I have felt like it was.  As I lay this question before God in regards to Jen, though, her suffering seems so much more unnecessary.  I don't doubt that every moment her body continues to fight back it is because God still has stuff He wants to do through/in Jen while she remains here.  But it doesn't seem right to me.

God has blessed me with a faith that generally is able to rest in the unknowns pretty steadfastly.  But these days, the continued suffering of 2 people I love is wearing on that faith.  My grandma has Alzheimer's and dementia, and the disease will only continue to take over more and more, yet she has to keep living with it- for years and years now.  And the cancer in Jen's body will likewise only continue to take over.  Why can't they just be done with their journey here and enter into the fullness of eternity????  This question brings tears day after day...

All that was supposed to be a brief intro to this song, setting the context.  Writing is never brief with me though, I guess.  Anyway, my friend had me watch this yesterday in light of all this.  It hit the spot, and I want to share it.  I have soaked in the Truth that Shane and Shane sing of and Piper speaks of a handful of times over the last 24 hours, an it has been deeply good for my soul every time.  May it be likewise for you...

(The audio is from a message Piper gave at the Legacy conference in Chicago this summer, which a number of friends told me was one of the most powerful messages they had ever heard.  If you want to read or listen to the whole message, here it is- Do Not Lose Heart.)


**Since writing this post I have come across the story behind the song.  Makes the song even more beautiful...